My last post I was planning the future. With only one question, where to live next? It's funny how the world moves on while you're just sitting there planning. I really don't want to go into full detail about what's going on, but I do feel it's something I need to blog about. Ever since I've started blogging I've received so much support from perfectly good strangers who have become really good friends. If someone were to ask me 'What is one thing you've gotten out of blogging that you never expected?' my answer, hands down would be meeting the most amazing people. The love and support in this community is overwhelming. Whether it be a short comment or a long e-mail it makes my day.
I wrote previously about bubs having surgery last month. That was the main reason why I've been MIA lately. They removed a tumor and said we wouldn't know more until the pathology report came back. They sent it all the way to DC so it took forever get the results. We have learned that the tumor was malignant and now we're starting the process of getting him into oncology to find out how much was left in him the doctor wasn't able to get everything out and if it has spread.
Honestly, words can't even begin to express how I am feeling. I keep telling myself I need to be strong for the both of us. I'm petrified. Disgusted that I'm even thinking about myself right now. All of my thoughts should be with him, for him. My mind has gone into battle mode, something that I started when I was a little kid. I worry about everyone else excluding myself. Bubs keeps asking me how I'm doing and I look at him with a blank stare because honestly, I don't even want to feel anything.
After my normal freak outs during the day, I start to "think positive" but let's be real there is no positive thoughts when it comes to cancer. You can't just say well it could be worse because to me, cancer is cancer. I just want to rewind life. Go back to a time where we were both healthy, happy and loved life.
Now all I feel like doing is laying in bed with bubs and not leaving. That's normal, right?